Class Meets Stupidity: A Gwen and Theresa Tale
by Amisha N. Smith
Summary: Thanks to a court order, Gwen is forced to work alongside her annoying rival. Can she make it through the day without strangling her stupid enemy to death?
1. Chapter 1

**Class Meets Stupidity: A Gwen and Theresa Tale**  
by: Amisha N. Smith

_Well hello again and welcome to my third Passions fanfic. I have gotten a lot of feedback from my first and second Passions fanfics. Some liked them. Some didn't. Of course, all feedback is welcome. But once again, may I ask that you guys give ratings instead of idiotic immature rants? I know most of you are smart enough to know the difference between the two, but the reviews I got from my first fanfic has taught me that there are some idiots out there who obviously don't. If you disagree with the fanfic, then just give an intelligent response saying that you disagree. And to the morons who can't seem to grasp that concept, really, the cussing and the insults aren't necessary. If you don't like how the story is going, don't read it. It's just a fictional story told about a fictional soap opera. Get a life. Anyhoo, this story is a change of pace from my other two. It's a humor fic! Yay! I often wondered how Gwen and Theresa would operate if circumstances forced those two to work together. Haven't you? Yeah, I know you have. Well, here's my take on what sort of insanity would ensue if such a thing were ever to occur. This is also my take on the absurdity of Theresa's many "plans" and the frequency of which they all have disastrous results. Like always. The feisty blonde princess and the hot Latino tamale are forced to work with each other in this my newest fanfic, whether they want to or not. Heh, this is gonna be fun. Now, without further delay… _

**Class Meets Stupidity: A Gwen and Theresa Tale**

**Part I**

Gwen gritted her teeth and seethed with rage as Ethan pulled their car into the driveway of 'Critterz 'R' Us', the last place on earth she wanted to be and, thanks to Theresa, her new place of employment for the next two weeks. Ethan parked the car in the driveway and turned to look at his wife. The look on her face must have perfectly reflected her mood, because he sighed and started stroking Gwen's hair reassuringly. "Come on, honey. It's really not as bad as you're making it out to be", he said.

"Oh, it's _not_?", Gwen said hotly as she turned and glared at Ethan. "Well, that's news to _me_." She shifted in her uncomfortable turquoise work uniform. It was itching the hell out of her. "If it wasn't for Theresa I wouldn't even have to _be_ here. I swear, that girl is such a bitch."

"Hey now, honey. None of that", Ethan warned. "I'm telling you, you have to learn to control your temper. Really, it's only halfway Theresa's fault that you're here. It's just as much your fault as it is hers."

"Exc_use_ me?", Gwen said, her eyes flashing angrily. "I can't believe you _said_ that! I mean, who's side are you _on_ here? It was _Theresa_ that started that fight! Just as always, she's the one who initiated the problem! I was just out shopping for baby clothes for Jane when Theresa suddenly showed up out of the blue and decided to berate me. She had the nerve to tell me that I the clothes I was picking out for Jane were crap. Like I need her help when it comes to dressing Jane! And then when I told her to kiss my ass and that I can dress my daughter however I choose, she threw her cup of cherry Icee on me! She totally ruined my silk blouse!"

"Yes, I under_stand_ that", Ethan said in a soothing tone, trying to calm his angry wife down. "But your response wasn't too much more appropriate than what Theresa did. I mean, how exactly did you think upper-cutting Theresa under her chin and then kicking her in her head repeatedly while she was laying unconscious on the ground was going to help the situation?"

"Well, it sure made me feel better", Gwen said with an evil smirk.

"It sure got you arrested, too", Ethan countered angrily. "You know Gwen, I must say that I'm rather disappointed in you. I always thought you had more class than that."

"Well, usually I do. But why should Theresa have _all_ the fun?", Gwen said with a shrug of her shoulders. "Besides, I wasn't the only one who was arrested. Theresa got a free ride downtown too."

"And that's supposed to make it better?", Ethan asked. "Honestly, sometimes I think you're as bad as Theresa. Well, I hope it was worth it. Because now thanks to how the both of you acted, you've been sentenced by Judge Poirot to work together at Critterz R Us for two weeks. And I hope for your sake you two can co-exist in peace for fourteen days. Because if you can't, you'll both be sentenced to three months in jail."

Gwen sighed and looked up at the wooden Critterz R Us sign hanging in front of the tacky shop and decorated with crudely drawn dancing raccoons. Once again, she had to be put through a bunch of crap because of Theresa. That's how it always seemed to go; Gwen is minding her own business until Theresa shows up and starts shit, Gwen fights back, a tug of war of one-upsmanship starts until **_bam_**, a disaster occurs, Gwen's day/month/year is ruined, and Theresa walks triumphantly off, her work being done. Of course, Theresa wasn't able to skip away from this disaster scott free. The judge had sentenced Theresa to work in this toilet of a shop as well. But somehow, the fact that she'd be working side-by-side with Theresa for the next fourteen days came as little consolation to Gwen. Her blood began to boil when she saw Theresa walk out of the shop. Upon seeing Ethan, Theresa began to grin and wave coyly. She trotted over to their car towards the driver's side, only to wind up standing there with a crestfallen expression on her face as Ethan finished hastily rolling his window up just as she reached the car door. Gwen smirked at Theresa smugly, who returned her smugness with an icy glare.

"Okay sweetheart", Ethan said earnestly as he looked his wife between her eyes. "You're gonna have to make me a promise. Promise me that no matter what Theresa says to you, no matter how she tries to provoke you, you won't fly off at the handle and try to kill her. Promise me you will control your temper. I don't want you spending the next ninety days in jail because of Theresa, okay? If you get the urge to murder her before your two week sentence is up, try to think of Jane and how much she'd miss her mom. Let that keep you on track, hm?"

Gwen inhaled a sharp breath. Of course. There's no _way_ she could let her temper get the better of her. Not with ninety days out of her life at stake. She had a daughter to take care of. "Yeah, you're right", Gwen relented. "I'll have to control my temper if I'm ever to be free of this stupid work program. And the last thing Jane needs is for her mommy to be sentenced to three months in jail over stupidity."

Ethan smiled warmly at her. "That's the spirit", he said before leaning over and giving her a long passionate kiss. When they pulled apart, Gwen couldn't help noticing the enraged and envious look on Theresa's face. Gwen resisted the strong urge to grin at her rival.

"Okay, I'll be back to pick you up in eight hours", Ethan said as Gwen got out of the car. "Be good."

"I will", Gwen promised with a cheerful wink. "See you soon."

"Hi Ethan", Theresa said hopefully. Ethan merely waved shortly at her before pulling out of the driveway and speeding down the road. Gwen turned around and walked towards the shop, again resisting the urge to gloat in her rival's face. _I don't have time for that_, Gwen reminded herself. _I'm gonna do what Ethan says and serve my two weeks so that I can get back to my normal life and as far away from that stupid bitch as possible._ She opened the door to the shop and saw animals in cages all over the place. Rats, bats, rabbits, raccoons… it was plain to see why this shop was called Critterz R Us. On the right of the shop sat a long wooden desk with a telephone and a computer on it. There was a note tacked to the front of the desk that said "Be with you in a minute. -P." Gwen sighed and took a seat in one of the two empty chairs in front of the desk. Just before she could get semi-comfortable, in came Theresa. The girl looked over at Gwen and sniggered.

_Oh crap. Not now_, Gwen thought to herself as she turned her head the other way. _Geez, give it a rest already! Get a life, you brain-dead whore!_

"Well, here we are", Theresa said as she walked over to where Gwen was sitting and took the other seat. "I must say, I'm really sympathetic for you Gwen. I know the concept of hard work must be like kryptonite to you."

_Oh, give me a break!_, Gwen thought, already getting angry. _I bust my ass every single day making a living for myself and my family! All she has to do is hop up and down on top of Alistair's genitals and she gets whatever she wants!_ However, as much as she was tempted, Gwen did not say her thoughts out loud. She remembered what Ethan told her and kept her mouth shut, not saying anything, not doing anything, not even looking at her. She just faced forward, waiting for the manager of the shop to show up.

"Oh, I get it. You're _ignoring_ me", Theresa said with a laugh. "What, did Ethan tell you not to pay attention to big bad Theresa?"

"I think the person _you_ should be worried about is big bad Poirot, Mrs. Crane", said a voice from the office room behind the desk. Into the small lobby where Theresa and Gwen were waiting walked the same white-haired sharp-featured elderly woman that had served as the judge at Gwen and Theresa's trial and had sentenced them to work together at this place; Judge Poirot! Only instead of wearing a traditional black judicial robe she was dressed in an expensive looking gray coat and pants suit.

"Judge Poirot?", Gwen said, shocked.

"Nope. Just _Ms_. Poirot at present", the judge answered. "I own this shop and I work here as the manager. So just call me Ms. Poirot while you work here, alright? Anyway, I figured this would be the perfect place for you two to work, seeing as how I can keep and eye on the both of you while you're here." She then turned and eyed Theresa like a hawk eyeing a tiny mouse. "I can see that you are indeed the instigator of you two", she said sharply. "I heard you trying to start trouble. Listen, I'm not putting up with it, you understand? Keep it up, and I'll immediately sentence your ass to spend three months in jail. Comprende?"

Theresa seemed to sulk at Poirot's words, like a child in kindergarten who was chastised for cutting the graham cracker and juice line. "Yes mam", she said shortly.

"That goes for you too, Mrs. Winthrop", the judge warned Gwen as well. "Although somehow I don't think you really need that much of a warning. You definitely seem like the more _mature_ one." Gwen wisely resisted the urge to smile at the judge's words.

"Well now", Ms. Poirot said as she sat down at her desk and folded her hands. "Welcome to Critterz R Us. This shop specializes in two things: Getting unwanted animals out of people's homes and off their property, and delivering certain requested animals to people. So, I guess you can say that we are an animal drop-off and pick-up service of sorts. I started this business about five years ago because I've always had a love for animals. I originally went to college to study to be a veterinarian and took law as a minor. Funny how things work out, isn't it? Now I'm a high ranking judge with a side business as an animal collector and deliverer. Well anyway, I've been meaning to hire some temporary help. And that's where you girls come in. Your ongoing feud with each other has the potential to turn itself into a blessing for me. And perhaps even for _you_, in the best case scenario." Ms. Poirot reached down into the drawers on her desk and pulled something out. She tossed two I.D. badges onto the top of the desk. The badges had both Gwen and Theresa's mug shots on them. Gwen grew red with embarrassment.

"Those are your work badges, ladies", Ms. Poirot said. "You will have those on your person while you work here. Neither one of you two will have a higher position than the other. You will work side by side as equals. And hopefully this experience will teach you to work together and coexist in harmony with each other. You don't have to like each other, but you _do_ have to respect each other, whether you want to or not. You also have a duty to respect the law, and not disturb the public peace by having a catfight whenever and wherever you want to. If you two do well, I will release you from the program after your two weeks are up. If you _don't_ do well, you'll both be cooling your heels in jail for the next ninety days. Comprende?"

"Yes mam", Gwen and Theresa said in unison. Gwen gritted her teeth and her blood pressure began to rise. Two whole weeks of working with Theresa. Fourteen days. Three hundred and thirty six hours. Twenty thousand one hundred and sixty minutes. _I can't wait_, Gwen thought, already beginning to feel sick to her stomach.

"Alright! Now for your first assignment!", Ms. Poirot said excitedly as she handed some papers to Gwen over the table. "This is the address of Ms. Drover. She called earlier today reporting that she had a bat problem. Specifically, a bat colony has taken up residence in her attic, and she needs our help in expelling them from her home. Your job will be to drive to her home and set off a specially made smoke bomb in the attic that will put them all to sleep. You will then go up into the attic and scoop them up using the standard nets that will be provided to you and put them in the large cages in the back of your new company van. Then drive them here so they can be inspected for rabies or any other diseases. The healthy ones will later be let back into the wild onto a legal animal preserve. Any questions?" Neither Gwen nor Theresa said a word. "Good! Then let's get to work!", Ms. Poirot instructed as she tossed the keys to Theresa. "Your van is parked outside in the front. All of the equipment you'll need is already in it. Good luck!"

With a sigh, Gwen got up and followed Theresa out the door of the shop to the white van parked out front. She just knew this was going to be the longest two weeks of her life.

**To Be Continued…**


	2. Chapter 2

**Class Meets Stupidity: A Gwen and Theresa Tale**  
by: Amisha N. Smith

_Well, I'm having a blast! Here's part two of my most recent fanfic! Of course, as expected, I got mixed responses from my first chapter. Some liked it, some didn't. Oh well, at least the people who didn't like it didn't express their opinions with juvenile profanity and idiocy. And for that, I thank them. Of course, I'm still gonna continue making my story expressing what a complete dumbass Theresa is and how annoying it can get to someone with class and intelligence, like Gwen. Hey, it's in our faces every weekday on NBC, so we might as well make fun of it, right? And now, let's do this!_

**Part 2**

_There._ Over _there_, Theresa."

"Over _where_? I don't see it."

"I said over _there_, you idiot. Geez, why the hell didn't _I_ just drive?"

Gwen gritted her teeth in sheer irritation as Theresa did yet another U-turn in the van and start heading back the other way. Their destination was a huge blue mansion sitting behind a massive front yard that had a stone cherub decorated fountain out front. It was extremely distinguishable from the other houses and kind of hard for somebody who wasn't either blind or impressively stupid to miss. Which was why Gwen wasn't the least bit surprised when, with Theresa behind the wheel, they managed to pass by it three times.

Theresa parked the van at the curb and looked up at the house. She was clearly impressed. "Hey, nice digs", Theresa said with a whistle. "Of course, _my_ mansion is a lot bigger."

Gwen rolled her eyes. _Don't you mean **Alastair's** mansion, you gold-digging live-in prostitute?_ she thought. But as much as she'd have liked to say that out loud, she kept it to herself. The last thing she wanted at this point was to get into another 1upsman argument with Theresa. She began unbuckling her seat belt.

"That's the sort of house I plan to live in with Ethan one day", Theresa said with a smug look at Gwen, unable to resist getting some digs in. "Well, after we get rid of _you_, of course."

Gwen's blood pressure began to rise again as her anger and hatred against Theresa returned. _Screw_ being civil. This whore was asking for it. Gwen turned to Theresa with a sarcastic snigger. "You and Ethan, eh?", she said. "Funny, once again you _completely_ failed to mention your son in your plans for your future. Oh, I forgot! You don't give a damn about Little Ethan. My bad."

Gwen had the pleasure of seeing Theresa's smug grin fall and her face begin turning red.

"Watch it, Gwen", Theresa warned. "You don't know anything about me and you certainly don't know anything about my son."

"Well apparently, neither do _you_", Gwen replied with a shrug. "Heck, with as little time as _you_ spend with the poor kid, I'm surprised you even remember his name. Hm, it's a good thing I was able to rescue Jane from a life like that. At least _she_ has a mother."

"_I_ am Jane's mother, Gwen. And I always _will_ be", Theresa snapped angrily. "Jane is my daughter. I gave birth to her."

"Oh please, Theresa", Gwen said as she rolled her eyes again. She was having fun watching Theresa's blood boil for a change. "Your role as a mother to either child ended the moment you squeezed them out from between your legs. And I believe Little Ethan can testify to that. _I_ am Jane's mother in every way that really matters. You, Theresa, aren't fit to raise the hairs on a baboon's ass, let alone _children_. And everyone knows it, including Ethan. That's why he wanted _me_ raising Jane and _you_ as far away from her as possible. This, other than choosing me over you, is the best move he ever made. But look on the bright side, Theresa. You too are married to your soul mate, just like me. And I know you're missing your huggy bear Alastair just as much as I'm missing Ethan. So whatd'ya say we get this job done and this stupid work program over with so I can go back to having sex with my husband and you can go back to being raped by yours?"

With that, Gwen grabbed a tablet out of the pocket on the passenger's seat and got out of the van, slamming the door behind her. As she walked up to the house, she could practically feel Theresa's gaze of hatred burning a hole in her skull. She smiled to herself. Maybe this experience won't be as intolerable as she though. _Poor Theresa. She can never stomach the bile she dished out_, Gwen thought with a wicked smile. She approached the door and rang the doorbell. A few seconds later the door opened and a fat woman wearing an expensive looking red dress and enough jewelry on her neck to be considered a walking Tiffany's store appeared in the doorway.

"Oh, thank goodness!", the woman said in a prissy voice. "You're finally here! Hmph, it's about time! I was hoping you'd get here before I had to go pick my precious Fee Fee up from the vet! What took you so long?"

_There was a retard behind the wheel of the van, that's what_, Gwen thought. But instead of saying that, she merely held her hand out to the woman. "Ms. Drover, I presume?", she said politely. "I'm sorry it took so long. Please except my apologies. You called us about a bat problem?"

"Yes! A _terrible_ bat problem!", Ms. Drover cried, suddenly turning white. "A whole _slew_ of the demons! Living up in my _attic_, of all places! Oh please, get rid of them! I just _can't_ bring my Fee Fee home to a house full of bats!" The woman then looked past Gwen to Theresa, who was just walking up the walkway to the door. "Oh, you've brought a friend? Good, the more people working on this, the better."

Gwen shuddered and had to force back her previously digested food that was creeping its way up her throat upon hearing this woman refer to Theresa as her 'friend'. "Please… don't ever call… her that again", Gwen said weakly. "My name is Gwen, and that girl is my assistant Theresa. We're just here to rid you of your pest problem."

"I heard that, Gwen", Theresa said hotly as she reached the doorway. "I am _not_ your assi…"

"Please show us to your attic", Gwen said to Ms. Drover, deliberately cutting Theresa off and ignoring her.

"Ah, yes. Right this way", Ms. Drover replied as she began walking towards her huge main hallway. Gwen and Theresa followed, Gwen ignoring Theresa and Theresa glaring at Gwen with pure hatred. When they got to the middle of the hallway Ms. Drover reached up and pulled on a hanging chain, pulling down a section of the ceiling and revealing some stairs leading up to the attic. Gwen strained her ears and peered into the darkness above. She could faintly hear high-pitched screechings.

"D-do you hear that?", Ms. Drover said fearfully. "It's _them_."

"Not to worry, Ms. Drover", Gwen reassured her. "We'll have the problem taken care of soon. By the way, are you planning to return home immediately?"

"Well, I _was_ going to take Fee Fee to the park to run a little", Ms. Drover replied. "Why do you ask?"

"Because we're going to be releasing a gas in the attic, and I feel it would be much safer for you and your pet if you remained out of the house for at least the next five hours", Gwen said.

"Oh, I see. You're going to gas the little beasts", Ms. Drover exclaimed gleefully. "Well go ahead. By all means, kill the little winged spawns of Satan. Fee Fee and I will just go take in a movie or two after we leave the park. Good luck!" With that, Ms. Drover walked past both of them towards the front door. Gwen saw no need in telling her that the gas wasn't really meant to kill the bats, but put them asleep. The thought of the bats dying by gas seemed to cheer her up so much; Gwen just didn't have the heart. After she heard the front door close, Gwen turned and slowly walked up the stairs into the attic. She very gently reached up and pulled the chain that turned on the light above her. Her blood seemed to grow cold as she saw the seemingly hundreds of bats that were hanging from the ceiling. Their eyes were closed; they were obviously sleeping. She turned the light back off and turned around to leave and bumped right into Theresa who had come up behind her.

"Theresa! Would you move the hell out of my way?", Gwen snapped.

"Well why don't you watch where the hell you're going?", Theresa snapped back. She pushed past Gwen and started to look around. "Where's the light?", she asked loudly.

"It's right above you, Theresa", Gwen answered in a soft voice. "By the way genius, you think maybe you can refrain from talking loudly around a colony of sleeping bats? Common sense says that doing so is a _bad_ thing."

"Shut up, Gwen", Theresa sneered as she reached up and grabbed the chain on the light switch. She pulled on it, _hard_, and was knocked on her head by the light bulb and socket that she'd just ripped out of the ceiling of the attic.

Gwen just sighed and shook her head. "Theresa, you are the epitome of stupidity", she said. She then turned around and started walking down the stairs of the attic. Theresa followed.

"Where do you think _you're_ going?", Theresa asked. "What are you, heading off for a coffee break? We're supposed to get rid of the bats. Or have you already forgotten? Geez, and you have the nerve to call _me_ stupid?"

Gwen turned around and glared at Theresa. "Yes, Theresa. I have the nerve to call you stupid. Because you have the nerve to suggest that I should just go back into the attic with you and somehow we should catch all the bats with our bare hands and put them into cages without first going to the van and fetching the _gas that we're supposed to use to put them to sleep with._ Jackass." Gwen turned her heel and went out to the van to fetch the gas cans, nets, and gas masks. Already Theresa had gotten on her last nerve.

* * *

Gwen sat on the couch with her arms folded and watched Ms. Drover's big screened television and waited patiently for the moment when she and Theresa were to go up to the attic and scoop up all the sleeping bats. It had been about an hour since they first released the gas in the attic, meaning that it was almost that time. Theresa sat in the lounge chair across from her, nodding off. Gwen wished the bitch was nodding off while sitting on the edge of a ten story building. Theresa had caused her so much pain. She just wished Theresa would die. Gwen got up, stretched her arms, and walked over and kicked Theresa's chair, bringing her back to her senses.

"Get up, you idiot", Gwen growled. "It's time to get the bats out of here." That being said, she dropped a gas mask onto Theresa's lap before turning and heading back down the hallway. Gwen put on her mask and was about to head up the stairs when Theresa grabbed her arm.

"Hold it, Gwen", Theresa said in a steely voice. "I'm not stupid, you know."

Gwen shrugged off Theresa's vile touch and turned and glared at her. "What? Just what the hell are you talking about _now_?", Gwen asked, irritated.

"Puh-lease, Gwen. I know what you're up to", Theresa replied, holding up her gas mask. "You sabotaged this mask, didn't you? So I would go up into the attic and suffocate from all that gas, and _you_ would be free to have Ethan all to yourself."

Gwen couldn't believe what she was hearing. Murder and sabotage was more of _Theresa's_ game, and yet here Theresa was, accusing _her_ of attempting that very thing? Gwen hadn't been this amazed since the day she caught Theresa naked in a garage with her husband and Theresa had the nerve, and sheer _stupidity_, to call _her_ a whore. Gwen just shook her head and continued to go up the stairs to the attic.

"You know what, Theresa? You're absolutely right", Gwen said in a cold voice. "I just might _have_ sabotaged that mask. So maybe, just in case, it might be wiser if you just didn't put it on at all."

"Oh, believe me, I'm not", Theresa snapped as she tossed her mask aside and followed Gwen up the stairs. "Really Gwennie, when will you realize that I'm smarter than you?"

* * *

Gwen stood in the attic and just stared at her gas maskless rival doubled over and coughing and hacking her lungs out, completely flabbergasted and even slightly alarmed by the advanced level of Theresa's stupidity. She had always thought that Theresa was a few fries shy of a Happy Meal, but now she was quite certain that Theresa was almost all of the fries, a whole hamburger, and half a toy shy of a Happy Meal. Seriously, at this point there was just no way of denying how severely retarded Theresa was. It was almost as if Theresa's stupidity had mutated into a living separate symbiotic being and was eating what little brain Theresa had left.

"What… **_cough_**… the hell are… **_cough_**… you waiting for?", Theresa snapped at Gwen. "Let's… **_cough_**… get to work, already."

Gwen looked at Theresa for another few seconds, almost feeling sorry for her. _Maybe I shouldn't have kicked her in her head so hard earlier_, she thought to herself. She then just shook her head and reached up to turn on the light. When she couldn't find the pull-chain, Gwen was reminded of Theresa's earlier stupidity.

"I'll have to go back to the van and get us some flashlights, since _one_ of us completely destroyed the light fixture earlier", Gwen told Theresa.

"What? Forget it. That will… **_cough_**… take too much time", Theresa replied. She began looking around the attic. "Now let's see… I know I… **_cough_**… saw it in here some… **_cough_**… where… Ah, _there_ it… **_cough_**… is!" Theresa walked over to a corner and picked up an old looking oil lamp. "Look, it still has oil in it!", Theresa said. "And I have a match… **_cough_**… in my pocket. All we have to do is light the oil in this lamp and… **_cough_**… _voila_! Instant light! I'm such a… **_cough_**… genius."

Gwen looked at Theresa, again almost floored by her idiocy. "Okay, Theresa?", Gwen began to talk slowly. "I want you to drop everything else and pick up your tiny brain, dust it off, and use it to process what I'm about to say, m'kay? Now, we both know that this attic is filled with gas, right? That being said, what do you think will happen it you strike a match in here?" The blank look on Theresa's face almost made Gwen want to strangle her. "Theresa", Gwen snapped irritably, "If you strike a match in here, there's a good chance you'll blow us all to kingdom come. So don't do it, alright? Just stand there and make the bats look smart while I go get the flashlights." That said, Gwen left the attic and walked out the front door of the house, muttering to herself. "That girl gives stupid people a bad name", Gwen grumbled.

* * *

Theresa watched Gwen walk out, enraged that the dumb blonde should have the nerve to try and tell her what to do. "I don't take orders…**_cough_**… from anyone. _Especially_ that self-absorbed bitch." Theresa took the match out of her pocket and opened up the oil chamber in the oil lamp. She started striking the match, trying over and over to light it…

* * *

Gwen walked up to the van and reached in and picked up two flashlights. She then turned around and, instead of going back into the house, simply leaned against the van and folded her arms, waiting. If she knew Theresa as well as she thought she did, she knew that any moment she was about to be treated to a spectacular sight, as well as a marvelous testament to Theresa's dipshittedness. She casually checked her watch.

"Okay, she must be having a little trouble lighting the match", Gwen said to herself. "Of course, she's pretty stubborn and stupid, so she'll obviously continue trying to light it. Which means it should happen in 7…

…6…

…5…

…4…

…3…

…2…

…1…

At that instant, a spectacular explosion suddenly ignited from the top of Ms. Drover's house, seemingly setting the entire top floor of it ablaze. Gwen sighed and immediately speed-dialed 911 on her cell phone. At that instant Theresa suddenly ran out of the house, screaming and beating the top of her head, which was on fire. Behind her followed the entire colony of bats, hundreds of them screeching and flying through the air, many of them _also_ on fire.

"Hello? 911 Emergency?", the operator said.

"Um, yeah. Could you please send some fire trucks and an ambulance to 4639 Cobble Road? My assistant on my job just blew up a house and set herself on fire. Thank you." She then hung up and just stared at the situation. Theresa, desperate to put out the fire on top of her head, ran over to a wheelbarrow filled with fertilizer and began burying her head in it, trying to smother the fire. Gwen then observed the bats, who had found an alternative to putting out _their_ fires. One by one, the bats that were on fire began dive-bombing into the huge fountain that was in front of the house, efficiently putting out their fire and cooling themselves off.

And then there was Theresa. Putting out _her_ fire.

By burying her head in shit.

Gwen sighed and began to rub the temples of her nose. She supposed she shouldn't really be surprised that Theresa didn't even have the intelligence of a fucking bat, but still, it didn't make the reality any less tragic. By now the neighbors had come outside to see what was going on and she could hear the sirens of the approaching fire trucks and ambulances. Gwen smirked and shook her head. This was going to be a trip to explain to Ms. Drover. Finally three fire trucks and two ambulances pulled up at the house and about five firemen with a huge hose jumped out. They immediately attached the hose to a fire hydrant and began to spray the top floor of the house. Three rescue workers ran over to Theresa and pulled her head out of the pile of horse shit and wrapped a blanket around her and began escorting her to an ambulance. One of the women that was escorting her ran over to Gwen.

"Are you the one who dialed 911?", the woman asked her.

"Yes, I am", Gwen replied.

"Okay, your partner is pretty shook up, so I'm going to have to ask you all of the questions", the rescue worker stated.

"Sure", Gwen replied calmly.

The rescue worker then looked over at the fountain (which was now bat-free because the bats had by then put out there fires and flown away), then looked over at the fertilizer-filled wheelbarrow, then back at the fountain and scratched her head, as if confused about something. Finally she just came on out and said what was on her mind. "Um… the lady over there told us that she was dipping her head in the wheelbarrow to put out her head-fire", the rescue worker told Gwen. "Uh… I was just wondering…"

"Why she didn't just dip her head into the fountain and pot out her fire?", Gwen finished for her. The rescue worker nodded her head and Gwen shrugged. "Pretty much the same reason she lit a match in an attic filled with gas", she said. "Because she's a fucking idiot."


End file.
